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Edward vs. Edward

Once upon a blank piece of paper, two very different characters from two very different fandoms happened to bump into each other.

One was short (but don't tell him that!), had long blond hair pulled back in a braid and wore a striking red overcoat. The other was tall, bronze-haired and wore a T-shirt with "I'm 2 sexy 4 my sparklz" printed on the front. The only traits they had in common were their genders, golden eyes, first names and the utter shock of meeting each other. Both gasped dramatically, pointed a finger at the other and yelled,

"IT'S EDWARD CULLEN!"

"IT'S EDWARD ELRIC!"

After shouting the obvious truth to the world (hey, this is the realm of fan fiction! Of course they'd recognize each other right away!), the two Edwards stood in stunned silence and scrutinized each other carefully.

Wow, he really IS as short as I've heard he is... Edward Cullen mused, scratching his pale, glistening, perfectly-sculpted chin. (Twilight fangirls across the globe instantly went into cardiac arrest, while the Risembool Rangers pointed at them and laughed.)

Edward Elric simply gulped. He's ...tall.

After another minute or two of uncomfortable silence and sneaking peripheral glances at each other, at the same moment, one thought flashed through their minds:

I bet he thinks he's the better Edward.

And then:

Hehe. We'll just have to find out then, won't we?

Evil smirks spread across their faces. This could be fun.

They turned to each other, fake grins barely hiding the glint in their eyes.

"Hey there."

"Hey."

Edward Cullen casually smoothed back his hair and flashed a smile. (And in hospitals around the world, thousands of defibrillators were needed for the fangirls I mentioned earlier.) "Dude, I'm a vampire."

Edward Elric snickered. "Yeah, without fangs..." (The Risembool Rangers gleefully gave each other high-fives.)

"What was that?" asked the fangless vampire.

"Er, I said I'm an alchemist!" The teenager's face transformed back into a picture of innocence, complete with a halo and a bright grin. Edward Cullen raised his eyebrows in suspicion, but soon shrugged it off and graced the universe with another charmingly crooked smile...one that was just a bit smug, if you squinted hard. (And I won't bother mentioning what happened to all the fangirls this time. As for the Risembool Rangers, they decided to sit back and enjoy the show and began passing around pocky and bowls of movie popcorn.)

"Hey, do you have a car? 'Cause, like, I have one. It's a Volvo. And it's almost as shiny as I am."

"Pfft. Who needs a car to go places when you got two strong legs?" Edward Elric shot him a smile that was twice as smug and reached down to wipe a bit of dirt off one of his well-worn boots in not-so-subtle emphasis; then he straightened and looked up at his rival, arms crossed and one eyebrow raised.

Edward Cullen narrowed his eyes.

This was war.

Before long, the smart remarks were flying back and forth, thick and fast as gunfire.

"My actor is hawt."

"My actor can act."

"I have superpowers, telepathy, a poetic vocabulary and total hawtness."

"I have looks, brains, alchemy, martial art skills and a personality."

"I have golden eyes and a godlike figure and..."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, HOLD IT. There's only ONE Edward around here who's allowed to have golden eyes and that's ME."

"Says who?"

"Says the Edward who had them first, that's who."

"Well, I bet you don't have cold, hard, pale-white skin that sparkles in the sun."

"So? I've got automail. At least when I sparkle, people don't question my sexuality."

"I'm practically perfect in every way."

"I don't NEED to be perfect for people to like me. OR fall in love with me."

"I'm madly in love with a beautiful, perfect, special snowflake named Bella Swan..."

"Heh, really? I thought her name was Mary Sue."

"Grrrrr..."

"And anyway, I've got a hot mechanic named Winry who could kick her whiny butt ANY day...with nothing but a wrench!"

"At least I know how to woo a woman."

"At least I don't stalk the girl I'm interested in."

"Oh yeah? Well I'm emo and angsty and have a tortured soul."

"Well I'm emo and angsty and have a tortured soul for a REASON."

"Pfft. You're just a bratty kid..."

"And you're just a fake, pathetic excuse of a vampire - no, strike that. You're a carnivorous disco ball."

"Well I'm perfect! And practically invincible! And did I mention I was PERFECT?"

"Sure, you're perfect...perfectly LAME AND TWO-DIMENSIONAL--"

"...Says the CARTOON CHARACTER."

"Says the guy who has more character depth in his prosthetic toe than you do in every ounce of body glitter."

"IT'S NOT BODY GLITTER! I'M NATURALLY SPARKLY!!"

"...Yeah."

"THE CHICKS LOVE IT!"

"Uh-huh."

"Face it, Elric! I OUTSPARKLE YOU!"

"SO WHAT?"

"So I have more fangirls than you, AND...I'm tall."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLIN' A PIPSQUEAK MIDGET WHO CAN'T EVEN GO TO THE BEACH CUZ HE'S SO SMALL HE'LL SINK IN THE SAND AND WHEN THE TIDE COMES IN HE DOESN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING OR WORRY ABOUT DROWNING CUZ HE'S SO MICROSCOPIC HE CAN BREATHE OXYGEN ATOMS IN THE WATER, YOU SPARKLY CREEP??!"

"Midget!"

"Pansy!!"

"SHRIMP!!"

"THAT'S JUMBO SHRIMP TO YOU, JERK!!..."

"Are you in need of assistance, Edward Elric?" A deep, booming, obnoxiously cheerful voice sent the verbal attacks (and the dialog-heavy fanfic) to a big, screeching halt.

Wide-eyed and startled out of their heated argument, the two testosterone junkies turned to see who'd interrupted them.

To put it all in a nutshell, the newcomer had no shirt on and looked like a cross between Mr. Clean and Arnold Schwarzenegger. There was one blond curl sitting atop his shiny scalp. He also had a thick mustache and several pink sparklies floating around his head. (Don't ask.)

There was another person, too; a teenage girl with blond hair and flashing blue eyes. Flip-flops, cargo pants, greasy mechanic's gloves...it was obvious she didn't really care what she wore as long as it was comfortable and good for getting messy in.

"Edward, you idiot!" she yelled, brandishing a wrench in one hot-tempered fist. "If you go and start fighting and wreck your automail again, so help me, I will give you another concussion!!"

Edward E. slapped a hand over his eyes and groaned, "Why them, of all people? Well, I guess I should be glad that jerk of a colonel didn't show up, too..."

"You rang?" said the aforementioned colonel, coolly stepping onto the scene; a charismatic spark in his dark eyes. He looked down at the seething boy with a smirk. "What's the matter, Fullmetal? It seems you can't even take on a sparkling pixie without the debate boiling down to your height. Or lack, thereof..."

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU, MUSTANG!"

Edward C. blinked and stared at them all in confusion. "Uhh...who are you?"

"Who am I?" boomed the Mr. Clean/Arnold Schwarzenegger/shirtless person, stumping towards them with earth-shaking footsteps like a big, friendly elephant. "I am Alex Louis Armstrong, the Strong Arm Alchemist!" He stopped in front of the baffled "vampire", struck a pose and happily flexed his bulging muscles one or two times for good measure. The number of pink sparkles increased.

At this, Edward C. promptly freaked out. (Remember how prone he is to bipolar-type mood swings? Uh-huh.)

"Y-y-w-h-hey!" he spluttered, pointing a shaking finger at Armstrong. "Y-you have sparkles! And a godlike figure! That's MY thing! You stole my shtick!!"

"FOOL!" Armstrong thundered. He bent down to meet Edward C's crazed eyes and pointed a large finger right at his nose. "These sparkles and this godlike figure have been PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG LINE FOR GENERATIONS! This was my shtick before you even EXISTED, lover-boy! Isn't that right, Flame Alchemist?" he added triumphantly, throwing a glance back at Mustang.

"Flame Alchemist?" Edward Cullen inched away, looking extremely nervous...but it was only a few seconds before he continued arguing with Armstrong and the colonel over whose sparkles were whose and how to treat women properly.

Meanwhile, the girl with the wrench pulled off her gloves and sided next to the scowling Edward Elric, surveying the scene before them with skeptical eyes.  

"Hey Ed?" she whispered, pointing at the angry sparklepire. "Who's that guy? He kinda creeps me out."

"You don't wanna know, Winry," Ed sighed. "You don't wanna know..."

~ The End ~
Title: Edward vs. Edward
Author: Dearheart
Rating: Rated G for Giggles! :D
Summary: Once upon a blank piece of paper, two very different characters from two very different fandoms happened to bump into each other. One was an alchemist with height issues. The other was a vampire with no fangs. Chaos and comical verbal attacks ensued.

This goes out to all of you who are Team Edward...ELRIC!! Because when HE glistens in the sun, IT'S BADASS. No offense to the Twilighters, but our awesome, butt-kicking, short-ranting Ed was around long before Mr. Sparklepants was even a speck of glitter in Stephanie Meyer's eye. And in my humble opinion, Arakawa totally PWNS Meyer as a storyteller. Heck, Fullmetal Alchemist pwns Twilight in EVERY conceivable way...am I right? Of COURSE I'm right...

EDIT: Holy moley, 300+ faves and 600+ comments? I had no idea this would get so popular... :XD: And because I don't have time to reply to everyone who asks...yes, you may use this story for your cartoon/video/spaghetti sculpture/whatever you want to make as long as I am credited and you link back here to the original. I would also love it if you left a comment with a link to your masterpiece, so I can enjoy it too! :D

EDIT - THE SEQUEL: Notice anything different? :D That's right! Mustang decided to join the party! And the Risembool Rangers got some cameos! (RED DAWN!!) And as much as I'd love to take credit for Ed's longest short rant...I actually stole it from this video: [link] Kudos to any fans who recognized it!
Add a Comment:
 
:iconzombiedswim:
ZombieDswim Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2015
"My actor can act."

YES, EDWARD E., YES!!!
Reply
:iconliterature-goddess:
Literature-Goddess Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2015
Please no, ewww!
Reply
:iconsakurastar10311:
SakuraStar10311 Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
OH MY G-O-S-H THIS IS HILARIOUS!! hah Eddos super long rant XD THAT VID IS SO FUNNY!!
Reply
:iconeagletsubasa:
EagleTsubasa Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2015
Team Edward [Elric]: I Run With Alchemists...

Also, I might just borrow that "carnivorous disco ball" quote... Thanks...
Reply
:iconcitrusotakutea:
CitrusOtakuTea Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
"And you're just a fake, pathetic excuse of a vampire - no, strike that. You're a carnivorous disco ball."

That is true, have you watched Rosario + Vampire?
Inner Moka. She doesn't sparkle...Ever.
Take that Edward Cullen.
Reply
:iconkaylathehedgehog:
kaylathehedgehog Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
"Carnivorous disco ball"  LOL

Going into favorites just for that line.  I'll have to remember that.

Giggle 
Reply
:iconmishylovesshadow:
MishylovesShadow Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2014
"So? I've got automail. At least when I sparkle, people don't question my sexuality."
-> Ed, I love your words right here XD


"I don't NEED to be perfect for people to like me. OR fall in love with me."
-> Edward Elric IS perfect, without knowing it. That's why he's the true Edward.


"And you're just a fake, pathetic excuse of a vampire - no, strike that. You're a carnivorous disco ball."
->Ed, don't insult the disco ball! XD


"So I have more fangirls than you, AND...I'm tall."
"WHO ARE YOU CALLIN' A PIPSQUEAK MIDGET WHO CAN'T EVEN GO TO THE BEACH CUZ HE'S SO SMALL HE'LL SINK IN THE SAND AND WHEN THE TIDE COMES IN HE DOESN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING OR WORRY ABOUT DROWNING CUZ HE'S SO MICROSCOPIC HE CAN BREATHE OXYGEN ATOMS IN THE WATER, YOU SPARKLY CREEP??!"
-> ... *is dying of laugh*


"You rang?" said the aforementioned colonel, coolly stepping onto the scene; a charismatic spark in his dark eyes. He looked down at the seething boy with a smirk. "What's the matter, Fullmetal? It seems you can't even take on a sparkling pixie without the debate boiling down to your height. Or lack, thereof..."
"I'M GONNA KILL YOU, MUSTANG!"
-> DO NOT INSULT ED OR I'M GONNA DROWN YOU INTO OCEAN!!!


"Flame Alchemist?" Edward Cullen inched away, looking extremely nervous...but it was only a few seconds before he continued arguing with Armstrong and the colonel over whose sparkles were whose and how to treat women properly.
-> Yeah, stupid fake vampire, FEAR the flames!


"Hey Ed?" she whispered, pointing at the angry sparklepire. "Who's that guy? He kinda creeps me out."
->Winry, Winry... You're a good girl. A really good girl. Cullen IS creepy.


And with that... GO, TEAM ELRIC, GO!!
Reply
:iconfullmetalpain:
FullmetalPain Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2014  Student Artist
imm 2 sexy 4 my sparkelz.....oh god what do you think edward?
ed::iconedwardelricblushplz:
other ed::iconedwardcullenplz:
HALP ed and i die cuz of his gayness
Reply
:iconfullmetalpain:
FullmetalPain Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2014  Student Artist
BEST FANFICTION EVER!!
Reply
:iconangiehimesan:
Angiehimesan Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I absolutely love it!
Can't stop laughing!
:D
Reply
:icondaduckmastah:
DaDuckMastah Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2014
had me smiling from beginning to end, that was amazing! xD
Reply
:iconmeggyville2009:
meggyville2009 Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2014  Hobbyist
(claps with emphasis) Finally! Go Edward Elric!
Reply
:iconthatrandomperson1090:
this is hilarious and so true ^^
love it!
Reply
:iconralleyzero:
RalleyZero Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh, so perfect in every way!  Love it! Love it, love it!  ♥♥♥♥  You are a genius!
Reply
:iconralleyzero:
RalleyZero Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh, so perfect in every way!  Love it! Love it, love it!  ♥♥♥♥  You are a genius!
Reply
:iconrandompancake1108:
RandomPancake1108 Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2014
Seems a bit fucked up to laugh at somebody having a heart attack for liking "Twilight."  I hope you get a heart attack and somebody laughs at you.
Reply
:iconlizray:
LizRay Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2014
XDDDDD this is SO cool; well done mate
Reply
:icontwinkiemonstertallah:
Oh. My. GAWD! I just laughed my ass off AND needed a defibrillator! XD
Reply
:iconmark-kris-robin:
Mark-Kris-Robin Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2014
Here's one thing That Edward Elric can do that Edward Cullen can't: He can make people laugh and make up a depressing day!!!
Reply
:iconfullmetalandcatlover:
FullmetalAndCatLover Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
"WHO ARE YOU CALLIN' A PIPSQUEAK MIDGET WHO CAN'T EVEN GO TO THE BEACH CUZ HE'S SO SMALL HE'LL SINK IN THE SAND AND WHEN THE TIDE COMES IN HE DOESN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING OR WORRY ABOUT DROWNING CUZ HE'S SO MICROSCOPIC HE CAN BREATHE OXYGEN ATOMS IN THE WATER, YOU SPARKLY CREEP??!"

Oh.my.god! I recognize this from that one convention where Vic said this!!!! That was so halarious!!!!! Kudos to VIC MANGONIA! (Sp?)
Reply
:iconrainymeadows:
RainyMeadows Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
I lost it at 'carnivorous disco ball'. Hilarious!
Reply
:iconhalfofthepiscesfish:
halfofthepiscesfish Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2013
Objection! You didn't have Edward call the sparklypire mary poppins when he said he was practically perfect in every way.
Reply
:iconmyocsareawesome:
myocsareawesome Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2013
edward elric is emo and angsty and has a tortured soul for a REASON.

edward cullen is emo and angsty because he has nothing better to do.
Reply
:icontheanimelord2013:
TheAnimeLord2013 Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013
If Oliver(the other Armstrong) was in this, twilight will lose for sure.
Reply
:iconbeiipaws:
BeIIPaws Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist

Bella is a Mary Sue and Edward Cullen is a sparkly fairy bastard. Go Team Elric!




no offense to any twilighters

Reply
:iconpoketo-minori:
Poketo-Minori Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
My volvo is almost as sparkly as i am!
I dont even watch fma and this is hillarious! 
Reply
:iconcrimsonshea:
CrimsonShea Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
HAHA! I love the Mary-Sue part! But I guess only if you read/write a lot you'll get it ^^
Reply
:iconlaureniscarzy:
laureniscarzy Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2013
that... was.... AWESOME!!!!!! LETS READ IT AGAIN!!!!! 
Reply
:iconmickxbeth2012:
Mickxbeth2012 Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist

My actor is hawt." (Culen)

"My actor can act."(Elric)

 

Me: you tell him Ed Elric

Vic Mignogna could beet Robert pattinson in a battle of awesomeness any day !

Reply
:iconeziolovesme:
EzioLovesMe Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
THIS JUST MADE MY DAY
Reply
:iconcatlovr2001:
catlovr2001 Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2013
Solid gold.  This is solid gold.

Carnivorous disco ball XD

AND THEN ARMSTRONG AND SPARKY SPARKY BOOM BOOM MAN and Winry come... 


I don't like Winry....


OH, BOOM! CULLEN PWNED!
Reply
:iconsnowflower--chan00:
Snowflower--Chan00 Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2013   Writer
LMAO, NICE! GO EDWARD ELRIC!
Reply
:iconrabexnna101:
Rabexnna101 Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Student Artist
FTF JULY JIYCIUYFX IT UTFXUFYFXITFYX OUT Y OUTOUT OUT OUT
Reply
:iconrabexnna101:
Rabexnna101 Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Student Artist
I CAN'T TYPE I'M DIEING

Reply
:iconlivingdreamer97:
LivingDreamer97 Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
HA HA HA!!!! "Carnivorous disco ball" THAT WAS GOLDEN!!!!!!!
Reply
:iconfurubafan25:
FurubaFan25 Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
OMG now THAT is how it would go down!!  *team Edward*
The only reason I'm not a RR is because I... well... IDK I need to join Xp
Reply
:iconawffulwafflez:
AwffulWafflez Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Yeah! Take Dat Cullen! XD
Reply
:iconjeffthekillerlover12:
JeffTheKillerLover12 Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2013  Hobbyist Interface Designer
EDWARD ELRIC FTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3
Reply
:iconatom1911:
atom1911 Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2013
Edward Newgate  FTW one piece lol
Reply
:icontama-no-shiki:
tama-no-shiki Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This one absolutely the funniest thing I have ever read! a BIG thumbs up to you!

btw, I remember that line "WHO ARE YOU CALLIN' A PIPSQUEAK MIDGET WHO CAN'T EVEN... etc" from one of the conventions Vic was at ;)
Reply
:iconmarceline0098:
Marceline0098 Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
ROTFL
Reply
:iconcelticwolfsong:
CelticWolfSong Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
*dies of laughter*
Reply
:iconpokeball18:
pokeball18 Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2013  Student Digital Artist
Did armstrong win?
Reply
:iconakilightangel742:
AkiLightAngel742 Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2013  Student Artist
Edward elric for the win!
why? he made me laugh!
Reply
:iconredwallchick1303:
RedwallChick1303 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is absolutely GOLD.
Reply
:iconcradger:
Cradger Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Ed Elric FTW XD This is brilliant. Gave me a lot of laughs.
Reply
:iconthornydragon:
thornydragon Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
hahhahahahhahahahah that's hilarious! great!
Reply
:iconmns-prime-21:
MNS-Prime-21 Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I GO FOR TEAM EDWARD ELRIC ATW!!!! LOL GREAT COMPARISONS!! LOL
Reply
:iconladycourage:
LadyCourage Featured By Owner May 13, 2013
I just laughed SO hard! I'm a new fan of FMA and this... It just... Gah, oh my word. rofl Ed's lines... I'm dyin'.

"no, strike that. You're a carnivorous disco ball."

rofl I need this line on a signature or something...
Reply
:iconmrgrellmichaelis:
MrGrellMichaelis Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013
"I'm madly in love with a beautiful, perfect, special snowflake named Bella Swan..."

"Heh, really? I thought her name was Mary Sue."




Cracked me up. Well, the whole thing did. There needs to be a team Edward Elric. :iconteamedwardelricplz:
Reply
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